The story I wanted to share is one that I have thought about sharing, many times over. I may have offered a glimpse, here and there to a few people, but never the whole picture. After much trepidation and prayer, I have decided that just maybe, it can help someone else overcome depression and anxiety, to rebuild their life. It would be too long to share my entire journey in one post, so perhaps I will start with the basic outline and then decide if i want to colour in from there…
Frankly it scares me to begin delving into the dark waters of my past, but perhaps it must be done if it can help even one person heal.
Will another person have had the same experience or breakthrough as me? Maybe not. But what was made very clear to me recently, is that the ‘ripple effect’ is all we need to try and be a part of. And we have absolutely no excuses not to contribute to that with the technology that we have available today.
There are so many parts of my life story, that if brought to the fore, will just cause pain to too many people, and somehow, it just does not seem worth it!
I have long since, built bridges over those troubled waters and found my Happy Island.
I am contented now…
But it was a long and dark journey from the port of rejection, to the harbour of emptiness, through the seas of depression and up the canals of anxiety! And it surely did not come with a map!!
Eventually, I found the stars to guide me home, safe and sound…this is my story of depression…
I cannot pinpoint one specific incident that may have set off the darkness that enveloped me, but I know with certainty that I was swaddled in a dark mantle of depression from a very early age. How do I know this? Because trying to recall any happy or joyous occasions or moment is not easy, no matter how far back I go. So in essence, I have been wading the murky waters from an early age.
For me, the most important lesson here is that I never forget to remember that the relationships between adults, affects the children, no matter how little they are. It engraves into their psyche a pattern for their future, and not many children are strong enough to break free from the seams of this cloak. They remain trapped without even understanding why, and they never know the glistening beauty of the rising sun or the glow of a full moon and a sky, impregnated with twinkling stars.
I manged to find a coping mechanism. I simply remembered to forget! To forget the past, to forget the hurt, to forget the pain, to forget the things that make me sad. Every time I remember a painful incident, I remember to forget it. To let it go! I cut ties with it and let it float away like a balloon…into nothingness.
There are still times that emotion overwhelms me and I spin into the vortex of anxiety, but my mind switches to forgetting, and I breathe and I breathe and I carry on, just sailing down the waterfall into a placid lake of clean water that washes away the darkness, the pain, the emotions, the anxiety. But sometimes, sometimes the tears roll, the rawness burns….and I let it, because tears, like the placid lake, washes it all away.