I have been missing my mum in an unusual way.
I am by no means an emotional person. I don’t cry unless it’s for a movie. I have walls as high as the sky around my heart. I never cried when my kids took their first step or said their first word. My little glass hart was too protected and fragile to reach those moments. I never cried when my husband was involved in a near death accident. I never cried when he made it of hospital 2 months later.
Sleep. In hindsight, I think that was my version of crying. I would not get out of bed. I would sleep for days. I was diagnosed with depression and they put me on medication. I refused to give in to that diagnosis and never took the medication after the first month. I don’t think I ever really woke up,until just recently. I have been living inside my head while my body auto-piloted.
part of the secret of success in life, is to eat what you like…[Mark Twain]
Today I made a slice of toast, smothered it with butter and sprinkled it with cinnamon sugar. This was a treat my mum would give us on a Saturday morning. It made me feel close to her. I leave on Sunday to go visit her.
I realize that my relationship with food, translates into soothing emotions. I don’t believe it is a good thing; but it is better than swallowing pills and turning into a zombie with a frozen heart.
There is no love sincerer, than the love of food. [George Bernard Shaw]
My heart beats. I feel the warmth of my kids’ hugs. My tears well up when they are happy and we laugh together. I may not get as much sleep as I did before, but my tired feet and burning eyes are trophies of a mother and a wife who has put smiles on her family’s faces.
Pretty much all I know…..is that I will eat my cinnamon sugar and my heart will melt like butter on hot toast!